Man On A Mission

Warning : This post is long and there is too much of self-indulgence.

My loyal fans will recollect that I had written a piece on orkut [link] way back when I was a kid in blogging world. Not that ki I have matured from there on but I dont shit in posts anymore. on second thoughts may be I still do. So I decided to write a piece on facebook as orkut is already outdated just like vivek oberoi.

As you guys remember (if you dont ,better read the orkut post) I really enjoyed my time at orkut. Although I coudnt find any girl I wanted to. So when I was checking some community called ‘doomsday : life after death’ I got a call from one of my girl friend*.

Gf : Wassup…lazy boy?
Me : Yawn!!!
Gf : You are sleepin?
Me: Yawn, No just checking some cool stuff on orkut.
Gf : Orkut? geeee…and cool doesn’t go hand in hand.
Me : What? I think its very coollll
Gf : No wonder you say it cool…eeww
Me : what you say ?
Gf : Its Kewl dude k-e-w-l..and not cool
Me : ohhh…but How do you know I said cool and not kewl..sounds same ..hehe
Gf : Because I know you ..and orkut is so 80’s..why don’t you update on facebook.
Me : Its so complicated there na..orkut simple hai indianized hai…you read my latest testimonial?
Gf : Move over dude…chal I am off to harvest my land..
Me: At your farm house which you recently bought? Can I come along?
Gf : Get a life..its on FB..I don’t know why I am talking to you …you are so retro dude …
Me: wat the….hello..hello….

She disconnected the call but ‘you are so retro’ stuck. I felt bad. And just like any self respecting 80s hero I decide to take a revenge and show her what I was worth of.

I Disconnected my orkut account and concentrated on facebook. I wanted her to know that even I can become a kewl farmer.

I was a changed man; I was a man on a mission.

I added all my friends from orkut to facebook. I sent friendship request to every celebrity worth her/his 5 second fame on tv Including upen patel.



I exhaustively took every quiz worth taking and found some real and ugly truth about my past present and future life. I found out that my ideal job would have been of a full time waiter at a gay club in nigeria. The quiz told me that I had a crush on pooja bhatt when I was 10. I came to know that I will die a day before doomsday , cause of death would be choking while munching on chocolate cookie. I understood that I was perfect for role of Lambu Atta in cult movie gunda (just missed it..*sigh*). They told me in my past life I was Marilyn Monroe (I don’t believe this one, you too right? ) . It told me that most embarrassing thing about me was my smelly armpits. And I published all this results on FB.

I was a man on a mission.

Although I am jain I joined mafia wars to kill enemies and win some virtual money. I killed them brutally without even giving a second thought about my religion or their family . I was mean, I know :(. I collected highest point in my group. I moved to farmville and became a full time farmer (my grandpa must have felt good about that). I spend all my my hours (note : non working hours) on harvesting my land and finding neighbors to get more point. I sent so many farmville request to some people that they deleted me from there fb friend list. I couldn’t care less.

I was a man on mission. Mission which will prove that I was no ‘retro’ and I was kewl, to prove that I was hip and I so belonged here. I won so many points that I almost become landlord there. I felt so proud and happy.

It took me 3 months and 45 days of hard work, some hard earned money on internet bandwidth, losing few real life friend to gain some virtual friend and points, Accepting some horrific quiz results. It was not easy at all.

But I told you I was man on a mission.

After earning so much credibility on facebook I decided to call it a day and poked my Gf to tell her how kewl I was and much belong to 2009. But she didn’t reply. I checked her FB account it looked dead. I couldn’t understand. The moment was here , I accomplished my task to see this day to tell her how much ‘IN’ I was. But she was no where.

But as I said I was a man on a mission. I called her

Me : Hello
Gf : Hi
Me : How are you?
Gf : wait…*after 10 seconds*….I am good..long time
Me : Yes..I was busy in…
Gf : wait..*after 10 seconds*..yes tell me
Me : What the duck you are doing every 10 second?
Gf : lol
Me : Whats that?
Gf : It means laughing out loud you idiot..wait *10 seconds*..
Me: That I know..but you said L-O-L, instead of laughing out loud…
Me: Again ..what are you doing every 10 second?
Gf : Ohh..I was tweeting abt over conversation…
Me : tweeting..that’s something birds do right?
Gf : LOL…you don’t have twitter account? #WTF
Me : Now whats that? I was busy in Facebookin….
Gf: Dude..move on ..whole word is on twitter..including my mom..and you are still on FB #FAIL.
Me: what rubbish….:(
Gf: You are so retro dude….
Me: what the….hello..hello….

And I joined twiter. Her tweets about over conversation…

“Old friend callling..brb”
“Actually just a colleague”
“his asking me what is”
“he doesnt know what is twitter #EPICFAIL”
“disconnected ..back to tweeting #FTW”

I am still a man and on a mission.

*Gf means friend who happens to be a girl.


Bahut orkut lagi hai yaar…

if you are wondering why there is no quote ..then find me one on social networking n will put it here…pura google search kar liya maine ek bhi dhang ka nahi hai….:(

waise other day i got a ping….yes again…but this time on yahoo msg…

dipu : you are on orkut??
me: orkut?? konsa planet hai??(today this word sounds so common but 3 years back it sounded like some planet next to pluto )
dipu : social networking site hai….
me : social networking ???….i do that on yahoo’s “18+ chat group”…why you need a site?
dipu : abe “%*&”%..join it…. you are missing something in life…

was i missing something??…with my PSPO fan at 1000RPM…rotating that humid summer air to cool breeze….half eaten pizza with paneer toppings lying half in my plate n half on my shirt…empty cold coffee can (ye i like my pizza with cold coffee…any problem?)……and with “Dhoom pichak dhoom ” at full volume…it didn’t seem like i was missing something…..may be a GF I thought ….can I find someone there??…will any decent gal be interested in a guy..who wear same jeans everyday …doesn’t like to shave for months and doesn’t now how people tie there shoe-laces so easily n why indians eat with knife n fork? (please note these characteristic I had 3 years ago n now I am more civilised… at least more civilised then rakhi sawant and salman khan)…mmm…maybe..gals are dumb too..even they don’t no why cheer girls are must in every IPL match ….so shayad koi mil jaye you never no….

And I joined thing called orkut with the same enthu and ambition as shakti kapoor has wen he approaches a gaoan ki gauri….it took me around 5 days to understand that we shold reply in others scrapbook n not in our own ….(add to list that m slow learner too)….though with hit ratio of zero of finding a gal online…I am in like with this site…its FUN!!

With social capabilities same as aditya chopra(people at least no his name)..i thoght it would be wonderful to
socialize virtually…u don’t have to be face to face..just leave a u can be updated about what the persons is up to….and if your even more lazier than our ex-home minister shivraj patil…. just check the updates of your friends…and you will know..who is missing bombay and who is having fun in PUB’s of LA….whose recently got hitched and who broke off…people update everything….from there marital status to the weird stuff they write on there blog…:P

********** commercial break **********************************
¬btw i tried to join salsa classes in my office but there are limited seats so couldn’t get through…. that salsa teacher must have done some really charity in her past life that I couldn’t be her student.I say that because last time wen I danced..iIwas 18 year old and it was my cousins sangeet and my aunt from timbaktu forced me to dance along with them on stage…n with “kala chasma” on the disc i coudn’t stop my self and started with little jig I know…my aunt thought i was on drugs when she saw my waist ,hip and neck moving asynchronously just like mumbai local trains ..she was horrified….wo din hai or aaj ka din she skips every sangeet where we both are invited…I am so sorry auntyji..but i don’t dance anymore…..I hope she will come to my sangeet at least!!!!

¬one more update one of my friend actually got inspired by my blog (can u believe that)…m sure he was drunk when he read my blog…anyways in 2 years of my stint as software engineer i learnt that never miss a chance to take the now u cant deny that SATU..I was the inspiration..or you thought this poor world needs better blogs after reading mine…watever…..bhool na jana..IT WAS ME!!!


Though my relationship with my luck is as bad as salman’s friendhip with vivek oberoi…. people do have luck on their side…I know one of my friend’s friend who is also marwari bumped into a gal on orkut and guess what? they agreed for biggest (unavoidable) tragedy in mankind ..they got hitched….waise de had nice “gharwale-nahi-manege-chalo-bhag-chale” syndrome running high..and had to go for secret marriage it all settled well.You see u can find a life partner if u look like uday chopra (minus rich dad yash chopra) ,your accent is more pathetic then shohaib akhatar and you dance like sunny deol do join this site called ORKUT…u never no u might find a gal who ignore all this and just give in for the little golden heart u have… :)

i was munching on my orkut and was half way through ki…TAMBI came…..

” was orkut.”
“Sir we have even better dish for you on our menu… try it”
“But I am full…orkut is enough for me”
“No sir u must try it…. half of the world likes it..its even better than orkut…if you don’t try this you will be missing something in your life..its called facebook”
ohh no not again……:(
“Anyways..get me facebook in dessert wen I am finish with this delicious orkut… :P”

..till den… :)