I don’t want to be a woman

Alert : Abusive post. But you know what? you need it.

Its womens day today and I think It cant get better or harsh than this. You may not agree with all that’s written but quite true, I would say. So for a change lets not celebrate but introspect.

Original post by : Bombay addict from here you can checkout the guy here

I don’t want to be a woman because

– I’m a child, a girl, a lady, a woman. A friend, a sister, an aunt, a wife, a mother, a lover. Before all that I’m a woman.

– I’m available. I’m public property. My eyes, my lips, my breasts, my hands, my arms, my waist, my thighs, my feet, my legs. Their hands, their elbows, their eyes, their feet, their chest, their mouth. Their words. Their attacks. Their gropes, their stares, their nudges, their pushes.

– I’m a cunt. If I don’t smile back at a stranger saying “Hi, want a lift?”.

– I’m a raand. If I don’t smile back at a stranger saying “Kya madam, chalen sair pe?”

– I’m available. If you want a one-night stand.

– I’m a whore. If I want a one-night stand.

– I’m a slut. If my best friends are guys.

– I’m a drunk. If I go to a bar after a bad day.

– I’m a chaalu. If I wear a mini skirt.

– I’m disgusting. If I used foul language.

– I’m ideal. If only I only stayed at home and didn’t party.

– I asked for it. If I didn’t smile back, if I got drunk, if I wore a mini skirt, if I wore a tight T-shirt, if I wore jeans, if I wore a frock. If I moved in a crowd. If I wanted to enjoy a sunset alone at Band Stand. If I wanted to go home with my friends after New Years.

– Yes, I asked for all of it. The violation, the intrusion, the humiliation, the hurt, the bruises, the insults, the blood, the tears, the trauma. I asked for all of it.

Man On A Mission

Warning : This post is long and there is too much of self-indulgence.

My loyal fans will recollect that I had written a piece on orkut [link] way back when I was a kid in blogging world. Not that ki I have matured from there on but I dont shit in posts anymore. on second thoughts may be I still do. So I decided to write a piece on facebook as orkut is already outdated just like vivek oberoi.

As you guys remember (if you dont ,better read the orkut post) I really enjoyed my time at orkut. Although I coudnt find any girl I wanted to. So when I was checking some community called ‘doomsday : life after death’ I got a call from one of my girl friend*.

Gf : Wassup…lazy boy?
Me : Yawn!!!
Gf : You are sleepin?
Me: Yawn, No just checking some cool stuff on orkut.
Gf : Orkut? geeee…and cool doesn’t go hand in hand.
Me : What? I think its very coollll
Gf : No wonder you say it cool…eeww
Me : what you say ?
Gf : Its Kewl dude k-e-w-l..and not cool
Me : ohhh…but How do you know I said cool and not kewl..sounds same ..hehe
Gf : Because I know you ..and orkut is so 80’s..why don’t you update on facebook.
Me : Its so complicated there na..orkut simple hai indianized hai…you read my latest testimonial?
Gf : Move over dude…chal I am off to harvest my land..
Me: At your farm house which you recently bought? Can I come along?
Gf : Get a life..its on FB..I don’t know why I am talking to you …you are so retro dude …
Me: wat the….hello..hello….

She disconnected the call but ‘you are so retro’ stuck. I felt bad. And just like any self respecting 80s hero I decide to take a revenge and show her what I was worth of.

I Disconnected my orkut account and concentrated on facebook. I wanted her to know that even I can become a kewl farmer.

I was a changed man; I was a man on a mission.

I added all my friends from orkut to facebook. I sent friendship request to every celebrity worth her/his 5 second fame on tv Including upen patel.

Facebook

Facebook

I exhaustively took every quiz worth taking and found some real and ugly truth about my past present and future life. I found out that my ideal job would have been of a full time waiter at a gay club in nigeria. The quiz told me that I had a crush on pooja bhatt when I was 10. I came to know that I will die a day before doomsday , cause of death would be choking while munching on chocolate cookie. I understood that I was perfect for role of Lambu Atta in cult movie gunda (just missed it..*sigh*). They told me in my past life I was Marilyn Monroe (I don’t believe this one, you too right? ) . It told me that most embarrassing thing about me was my smelly armpits. And I published all this results on FB.

I was a man on a mission.

Although I am jain I joined mafia wars to kill enemies and win some virtual money. I killed them brutally without even giving a second thought about my religion or their family . I was mean, I know :(. I collected highest point in my group. I moved to farmville and became a full time farmer (my grandpa must have felt good about that). I spend all my my hours (note : non working hours) on harvesting my land and finding neighbors to get more point. I sent so many farmville request to some people that they deleted me from there fb friend list. I couldn’t care less.

I was a man on mission. Mission which will prove that I was no ‘retro’ and I was kewl, to prove that I was hip and I so belonged here. I won so many points that I almost become landlord there. I felt so proud and happy.

It took me 3 months and 45 days of hard work, some hard earned money on internet bandwidth, losing few real life friend to gain some virtual friend and points, Accepting some horrific quiz results. It was not easy at all.

But I told you I was man on a mission.

After earning so much credibility on facebook I decided to call it a day and poked my Gf to tell her how kewl I was and much belong to 2009. But she didn’t reply. I checked her FB account it looked dead. I couldn’t understand. The moment was here , I accomplished my task to see this day to tell her how much ‘IN’ I was. But she was no where.

But as I said I was a man on a mission. I called her

Me : Hello
Gf : Hi
Me : How are you?
Gf : wait…*after 10 seconds*….I am good..long time
Me : Yes..I was busy in…
Gf : wait..*after 10 seconds*..yes tell me
Me : What the duck you are doing every 10 second?
Gf : lol
Me : Whats that?
Gf : It means laughing out loud you idiot..wait *10 seconds*..
Me: That I know..but you said L-O-L, instead of laughing out loud…
Gf : ROFL
Me: Again ..what are you doing every 10 second?
Gf : Ohh..I was tweeting abt over conversation…
Me : tweeting..that’s something birds do right?
Gf : LOL…you don’t have twitter account? #WTF
Me : Now whats that? I was busy in Facebookin….
Gf: Dude..move on ..whole word is on twitter..including my mom..and you are still on FB #FAIL.
Me: what rubbish….:(
Gf: You are so retro dude….
Me: what the….hello..hello….
—disconnected—-

And I joined twiter. Her tweets about over conversation…

“Old friend callling..brb”
“Actually just a colleague”
“his asking me what is lol..lol”
“he doesnt know what is twitter #EPICFAIL”
“disconnected ..back to tweeting #FTW”

I am still a man and on a mission.

*Gf means friend who happens to be a girl.

Aao Gym Kare…

No comment on improvement for my last post so I think ‘About Me’ page is perfect. No subscriber for feed burner as well so I believe you like to personally visit my page. And no help regarding the book ,so you don’t like piracy i guess. Never Mind.

Coming to this post. Yours truly joined the gym last year around march and as luck would have it he discontinued in a month. But here is a brief snap-shot of diff category I have seen. I hope you like it.

People who come to Gym :

Rambo-Shambo :
These guys are high on rambo series movies. Half of their salary goes to protein supplement they drink. Remaining half goes for their jumbo break-fast and lunch , no dinner here*. They are the reason why 80% of the gyms are running. They cant eat Indian style, there fingers don’t reach there mouth or for that matter any opening in body, Damn Biceps!!. They use spoon and fork even for roti if they ever eat one. I wonder what they do in toilet, water jet!?

It takes 300 pushes, 250 crunches and few faulty Air Conditioners to make them sweat. They watch there biceps every half an hour and give a grin to themselves. They look like human robot. Walk as if they recently had piles operation.

They don’t have GFs because when they were suppose to be having dinner with her, they can be found doing stomach crunches in gym. 100% of their free time is spend in gym only.

Damm Biceps

Damm I dont even fit in the pic frame

*remember no carbs after 7.

Fat-So?:

For this category gymming is as interesting as having a bath with amar singh in a bath-tub. They are their just because they are on verge of losing their current girl friend or the next marriage proposal. So they are pushed by their girl friends and Moms. Hence they drive half an hour to reach a gym to jog for five minutes.

This breed is dedicated one, they don’t look at sexy gals. They don’t waste there time in changing rooms. They use only one machine in the gym , trade mill. They run faster than their machine’s speed. But they cant help it ;52 seconds on trade mill and they break into sweat, 100 seconds they are huffing puffing. 150 second they are about to get a heart attack. They are the reason why trainer want mid-term appraisals.

As I said they are very dedicated they listen to every tip gym dietitian give and after the session they go and eat 2 plates of ragda pattice and one glass lassi at shady food joint located strategically next to the gym. And at end of the yearly membership their weight is much more than earlier one.

Romeo-Style:

Ok! They are the people who don’t change into tracks they just get in with jeans until trainer shoo them away to changing room. They are not there to get all worked up or ruffle their hair. They are there just for the girls. They smile at every girl in their vicinity. They think they are the next ranbir kapoor in making. They are the real trouble maker for trainers because they hit on every girl , for which our trainer has an eye. They adjust their hair with alarming frequency. They pay there membership in installments and do a mr. india act as soon as they get their shridevi.

Gals (Cute,Slim,Fat):

Every gal irrespective of her size and weight has this strange habit of carrying her i-pod and mobile phone. They don’t like trainers taste in music so they get their own i-pod. They all wanna look like kareena kapoor. They all think they are fat. They love doing cardio till sweat start spoiling their make-up (yes they all do make-up). They all are in new t-shirt everyday. All T-shirt have messages like ‘I know what you are looking at’, ‘Who Cares’, ‘Girl Rules’ and all such meaning less things. They keep checking there cell phone every 5 minutes. They eat salad for their lunch , nimbu pani for their break fast and dinner…who takes dinner?

Last and the Least :

These are the people who got the membership because they got some complimentary coupons from someone, Or they won lucky coupon at annual lottery of ‘jayantilal and sons jewellers’. They show up once in a week. They don’t try half of the machines because they are afraid of damaging them and the consequences which may follow. Nobody notice them; gals, trainer even the receptionist. They do bench press in a corner.
*****************************added later********************
I added it but somehow it vanished in the published post.So here its…
I am already tired and sweating so now you know in which category author of this post fits. I don’t need any gym to sweat it out. Such long posts are enough.
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Please add your experience if I have missed out on some of the cats.. :P

What Women Want !?

“A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery.” ~Diana Stürm

Disclaimer : No ex-president, behenji or dog has been hurt in process of writing this post. But if you didn’t like manjari fadnis’s ‘who is this?’ track in JTJN or in other words if you don’t have low level of sense of humor . I would advice you to stay away from this post.

As I sat down to demystify biggest question mankind ever faced ;My attention was drawn to my cell phone which was flashing vodafone alert ( without subscription ) .

“What your belly Button says about you ? click ok to know more!”

At first it sounds like a routine question prepared by a HSC grad working in some KPO for vodafone who failed to get a good college because he couldn’t remove cheats from his undies because his fly got locked at the nth hour but if you think twice it has deeper meaning. Actually I know what my belly button says about me . It says instead of writing this lousy blog I should get a life. I should walk 7 mile a day and should re-join my aerobic class. I should order for low fat pizza instead of cheese-burst variant. But who cares ? I believe :

“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.”

And I don’t wanna run for public office. You must have guessed why? Because I hate running!!!

What women want?

what women want?

You are still here? that’s interesting. You really wanna know what women want ? Don’t ya! Who doesn’t? But from this blog of a 20+ year old chap (24 years..is too scary!) ? who thinks celebrating valentine days is for losers . Who thinks emotions are more important than price tags. Who thinks salman khan sucks and who doesn’t know how girls manage to get their nail-polish matched with their ear-rings everyday.

To start with I never understood what ‘real’ women wants. That’s because I am an engineer. That too from mumbai university. If you have been through same 4 years stint you will know; we engineers don’t know how a beautiful girl look like. In engineering days whoever got MC assignment done first was the most beautiful person. Mind you ! No gender discrimination. Actually very few good gals opt for science. And all those gals either studious or total dumb, So the former goes to medical colleges and latter do their re-search in B.Sc. So all we engineers get is mediocre crowd. So any person who remotely looks like a gal is beautiful. One of my engineer friend thinks even bobby darling doesn’t look that bad. And that says it all.*sigh*

Well! I don’t know much about what women want but as true blogger who is totally dedicated to his regular readers; Have done a little research to find out what women want. The ages old secret which has been kept under the carpet, over the roof and behind the flush tank should be out. Well that’s what my intention are but I am an optimist I think more and work less.

I did a little behind-the-door public interview with some of my so called friends to find out the answer of eternal question. These people have been there and done that so I assumed they can show me the path to the woman’s mind.

I started with sallu (aka Shirtless khan) I call him with pet name…my pet has the same name so…

Me : Sallu yaar, from bijlanis to kats. Tune itni duniya dekhi , tell me what women want?

Sallu( in his boston meets bandra accent) : Are yaar mujhe pata hota to itni duniya dekhta me? Vinod kambli ki tarah ek hi baar me settle na ho jata me?

ME : Tell na buddy , So many women you have in your life, You must be knowing the secret ,huh?

Sallu : No ideaa men, My mom wants ki me shaadi karlu, My kam wali bai wants ki me ghar pe to shirt pehnu , Kats want do 15 more movie with akki before she settles. No idea men what women want?!

After this I went to bebo aka size Zero.

Me : Bebo you are a woman; you should know what woman wants, na?

Bebo (Looking sideways ) : Size zero, huh?

Me : I am talking in general, Even about those women who don’t want to wear bikini. BTW why you switched from lovely-kid shahid to oldy saif?

Bebo(Rolling her eyes) : Well, Size matters..err..I mean experience matters. Saifu is more mature. He knows diff YOGA-ASAN as well.

Me : Ohh, Now I know why shahid missed the train .

But Yours truly couldn’t stop here. Sometimes failure teaches you more than success. So I thought of asking some people who couldn’t make it. No I am not talking about uday chopra or tushar kapoor . Some veterans who couldn’t make it.

The indian Rupert Grint aka ex-President.

Me : Hello Sir.
IRG (try to see me through his hair blinkers) : Hello young boy, You are from that airlines? came with an apology letter?

Me : I am afraid I am not. I just came to ask you a simple question sir. what women want?

IRG (bit disappointed , bit angry) : You are a young boy, You should be building india’s future and look what you are doing.

Me : Well, Sir all I want to know is what women want and then I will leave, right away.

IRG : I don’t know what women want; But all I can say is do visit your hair dresser regularly. It will increase your chances.

Then I moved to women of fat faith.

Behnji aka behnji.

ME : Madam , What women want?

Behnji : which women? No women or men can ask for anything till I get 420 statue of manayawar and me in the state.

ME : I mean what every women wants?

Behnji : I want statue!!!

I rest my case.

I failed, I still couldn’t analyze what this conversation lead to. What does a women want ? A husband who knows how to wear a shirt or who know diff yoga-asan. A guy with a decent hair cut or who can build her statue on every corner of the road?

I don’t know what women want, do you?

And don’t ask me what men want?..because the answer is
.
.

.
.
LOL!!!!

For Blogadda Contest [link]

A product from pringoo [link]

Ganpati Bappa Morya!!!

I think this post was overdue; A year back I thought of putting down this post but couldn’t make it . So this time I will write about someone special in my life, The idol I ever worshiped with true faith, The god I truly believe, The idol which make me feel good about life. Its Ganesha.

siddhivinayak

siddhivinayak

I am not much into spiritual things or religious stuff. But I believe in power of faith. I think belief in god makes you stronger. It gives you the hope, the stamina to move/hold on. Faith makes things possible. It wont be a overstatement if I say Its because of faith watever little I have achieved in my life. I think it really helped in my low time; It kept me going.

In particular I like to visit sidhivinayak temple ( dadar, mumbai). Though I believe God is everywhere and it doesn’t matter whether you go for amarnath yatra or just a nearby temple. In one of my earlier post I said pain takes you a notch closer to god. It connects you to him. We dont feel closer to god in our happier times as compared with tough times. Its agony, pain which make you find solace in someone bigger and divine.

I dont know how to end this post but I wanted this blog to know how much I believe in Ganesh.I know I truly sucks when it comes to such posts; I feel all messed in my head. Its not so me, na?. But sometimes you have to do, what you have to do.

BTW m jain and would like to wish every jain guy gal a happy savantasari!!!

and till the next time say loudly Ganpati Bappa Morya!!!

Lets Get G(ay)ing

“Better to be known as a sinner than a hypocrite.”
~ Proverb quote

As I surfed through news channel on my TV I was bombarded with LGB(Lesbian, Gay and bisexuals) Info. How bench of HC has made consensual same sex relations to be legal. And the LSB community couldn’t control their joy. They said Its progressive but our our neta’s said it will lead to anarchy.

The most prominent voice I thought was miss celina jetly. She was everywhere I saw her on NDTV ,TIMES NOW and HT. And I thought lady talked sense. And I had to accept the fact all beautiful gals are not dumb.*Gals don’t kill me for this one*

Well I think It’s a move ahead. Its high time we should accept the fact that they are part of society and not some perverts.

On NDTV presenter asked a middle aged lady “Mam what you think? Will it be acceptable to your generation?”

And lady said it well “Its easier to accept it now with changing times.”

I understand its difficult to accept it but today its a reality; you cant ignore it. And anyhow Change is always difficult to accept isn’t? When TV came to india ,people said it will damage our culture. When computers came, people said it will increase unemployment . And latest when I started writing this blog. They protested but I continued and see I proved them right. OK!! I am not comparing TV and computers with IPC 377 but just making my point. On a serious note I think people slowly will accept LGB’s and they will be into mainstream may be after 2-4 generations unless our neta make a law against it.

On personal front if you ask me today I don’t think I will be comfortable to accept that any of my family member, friend or relative turns out be LGB. I can support the cause but when personal level pe baati aati hai I think it will be unnerving. OK I may sound like a hypocrite but at least I am honest. let me put it across to you how many of you will be ready to accept the fact if someone really close to you (say your sibling, your daughter/son ) say that he/she is homosexual and you wont deter him/her from going ahead?

I think at some point or other we all are moral hypocrites. Nobody wants to see there darker side in the mirror, we all love the comfort of mask that we are wearing, isn’t?. We all follow the double standard ….na??

Just putting this down because I think this issue needs to be addressed. So a short post.

*****personal update**********
I think things are moving to fast at personal level. I hope I end up with a jackpot. Will update you in detail later.

on the disk : Om mangalam from kambhaqt ishq…I hope u got tha clue… :P

Bahut orkut lagi hai yaar…

if you are wondering why there is no quote ..then find me one on social networking n will put it here…pura google search kar liya maine ek bhi dhang ka nahi hai….:(

waise other day i got a ping….yes again…but this time on yahoo msg…

dipu : you are on orkut??
me: orkut??..ye konsa planet hai??(today this word sounds so common but 3 years back it sounded like some planet next to pluto )
dipu : social networking site hai….
me : social networking ???….i do that on yahoo’s “18+ chat group”…why you need a site?
dipu : abe “%*&”%..join it…. you are missing something in life…

was i missing something??…with my PSPO fan at 1000RPM…rotating that humid summer air to cool breeze….half eaten pizza with paneer toppings lying half in my plate n half on my shirt…empty cold coffee can (ye i like my pizza with cold coffee…any problem?)……and with “Dhoom pichak dhoom ” at full volume…it didn’t seem like i was missing something…..may be a GF I thought ….can I find someone there??…will any decent gal be interested in a guy..who wear same jeans everyday …doesn’t like to shave for months and doesn’t now how people tie there shoe-laces so easily n why indians eat with knife n fork? (please note these characteristic I had 3 years ago n now I am more civilised… at least more civilised then rakhi sawant and salman khan)…mmm…maybe..gals are dumb too..even they don’t no why cheer girls are must in every IPL match ….so shayad koi mil jaye you never no….

And I joined thing called orkut with the same enthu and ambition as shakti kapoor has wen he approaches a gaoan ki gauri….it took me around 5 days to understand that we shold reply in others scrapbook n not in our own ….(add to list that m slow learner too)….though with hit ratio of zero of finding a gal online…I am in like with this site…its FUN!!

With social capabilities same as aditya chopra(people at least no his name)..i thoght it would be wonderful to
socialize virtually…u don’t have to be face to face..just leave a scrap..so u can be updated about what the persons is up to….and if your even more lazier than our ex-home minister shivraj patil…. just check the updates of your friends…and you will know..who is missing bombay and who is having fun in PUB’s of LA….whose recently got hitched and who broke off…people update everything….from there marital status to the weird stuff they write on there blog…:P

********** commercial break **********************************
¬btw i tried to join salsa classes in my office but there are limited seats so couldn’t get through…. that salsa teacher must have done some really charity in her past life that I couldn’t be her student.I say that because last time wen I danced..iIwas 18 year old and it was my cousins sangeet and my aunt from timbaktu forced me to dance along with them on stage…n with “kala chasma” on the disc i coudn’t stop my self and started with little jig I know…my aunt thought i was on drugs when she saw my waist ,hip and neck moving asynchronously just like mumbai local trains ..she was horrified….wo din hai or aaj ka din she skips every sangeet where we both are invited…I am so sorry auntyji..but i don’t dance anymore…..I hope she will come to my sangeet at least!!!!

¬one more update one of my friend actually got inspired by my blog (can u believe that)…m sure he was drunk when he read my blog…anyways in 2 years of my stint as software engineer i learnt that never miss a chance to take the credit..so now u cant deny that SATU..I was the inspiration..or you thought this poor world needs better blogs after reading mine…watever…..bhool na jana..IT WAS ME!!!

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Though my relationship with my luck is as bad as salman’s friendhip with vivek oberoi…. people do have luck on their side…I know one of my friend’s friend who is also marwari bumped into a gal on orkut and guess what? they agreed for biggest (unavoidable) tragedy in mankind ..they got hitched….waise de had nice “gharwale-nahi-manege-chalo-bhag-chale” syndrome running high..and had to go for secret marriage it all settled well.You see u can find a life partner too..so if u look like uday chopra (minus rich dad yash chopra) ,your accent is more pathetic then shohaib akhatar and you dance like sunny deol do join this site called ORKUT…u never no u might find a gal who ignore all this and just give in for the little golden heart u have… :)

i was munching on my orkut and was half way through ki…TAMBI came…..

” Sir..how was orkut.”
“delicious”
“Sir we have even better dish for you on our menu… try it”
“But I am full…orkut is enough for me”
“No sir u must try it…. half of the world likes it..its even better than orkut…if you don’t try this you will be missing something in your life..its called facebook”
ohh no not again……:(
“Anyways..get me facebook in dessert wen I am finish with this delicious orkut… :P”

..till den… :)